I walk alone
by Mizzy681
Summary: Final part in the LIFE AFTER YOU-series. Continuation of Closer to The Edge. Miz/Edge/Jericho, mentions of M/M, don't like, don't read.


**This will be the last part of Life After You, my Mike/Adam/Chris-series. It will also be the last bit of fanfiction i will write for now. The only thing I will finish is Sex, Drugs and True Love and after that I'm gone. There's a lot of reasons, some of it that I don't have ideas for fics anymore, but for novels, so I wanna try and focus on that and for me it's impossible to do two things at the same time. But the most important things is dat seeing Miz up close last april and now with Edge having to retire I suddenly see these guys as real. So it's impossible for me to write or even read slash at the moment. I can't even read my own stuff back. So I'm gone for a while, maybe forever and maybe I'll be back in a few months. **

**Thanks to everyone who've been reading and reviewing and thanks to all the great people I for to meet up here. You made me feel at ease with my craziness ;) I really i learned a lot on here.  
>And most of all thanks to Soul of the fire dragon for beta-ing! <strong>

** Edge retiring had a weird influence on this fic. I had a completely other plot in my head, but it turned out like this. I messed with the time a little bit because I wanted both Evan and Christian in it and i wanted it to take place in a relatively short time, so that doesn't fit with reality. I really hope you'll enjoy it. It's what I do best, drama, but I hope it's not over the top. I also really really hope that it makkes I think it's a realistic ending for this fic, though it might not be how you'd wanna see it.**

**Please leave a review. Even though I'm leaving doesn't mean I don't wanna hear what you think. Whether you hate it or love it!**

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><p><strong><span>I walk alone<span>**

_I don't quite know_

_How to say_

_How I feel_

_Those three words_

_Are said too much_

_They're not enough_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me_

_And just forget the world?_

Something was wrong with Mike. Something was very, very wrong. It wasn't just that Mike was avoiding him. God knew that had happened before. It was the look on his face that scared Adam: pain sketched on it with sharp lines, a sense of utter defeat in the way he held his body. It was like time had been turned back a few months.

Adam made sure Mike didn't realize he was watching him. Another thing that made him feel like the clock had been turned back. What the fuck had happened over the weekend? He shook out of it while he finished lacing his boots. On days like this he wanted to get away from all the exposure and all the drama. He wished he could take Mike and hide out in the mountains for a few days, hell… make that a few weeks. Jay always joked that he was the only hermit on earth that got cheered by thousands of people on a daily basis. Two sides of a medal, Adam and Edge — much like Mike and Miz — although Edge was just a gimmick and Adam was more and more suspecting Miz was the only reason Mike was still standing,

"You got it bad don't you, buddy?" Jay had come up to him and saw who he was staring at. Adam shrugged at his best friend. Knowing that he would be lying if he denied it, but not having the guts to say it out loud.

This was not what he had planned. Sure, he had wanted Mike since the first moment he laid eyes on him, but it had been nothing more than lust — he had thought it nothing more than lust — until he had seen him get broken. He had been consumed by jealousy when he realized that Mike loved Chris no matter how much the boy tried denying it.

It was a jealousy that was so much more than anger at a friend laying hands on what was supposed to be his. It was the pain of discovering just how much Mike cared so much for Chris — so much that Chris had succeeded in what no-one had done before: break him. It was the fear of not being enough. It was the truth of Adam being nothing more than a substitute, just something that distracted Mike from his broken heart. It was the pain of unrequited love, a word he hadn't used since his last divorce, a word that should have lost all his meaning because of all the times he said it without meaning it. It was the reality of it being — for both of them — exactly what they needed if only they would admit to it. It was unbelievably complicated, the one thing he had wanted to avoid and the one that was unavoidable when it came to Mike.

Jay was waving his hand in front of his eyes in an attempt to get his attention. "Earth to Adam? You completely zoned out, dude." Adam snapped back to reality and slapped his friend's hand away. "Is he that good?"

Adam shrugged and turned away. "Not everything is about sex, Jay. You might think about growing up."

Jay only threw his head back in laughter. "You might think about finding someone else to fawn over. Mike doesn't do relationships, at least not with men. Everyone knows that."

"Who is talking about a relationship? I'm just worried about him…"

"Stop kidding yourself, buddy. You like him, it's more than friendship, you just pointed out yourself it's more than sex. And I know you, you dig commitment…" The 'even though you screw it up every time' wasn't added, but the look in Jason's eyes said it all. In his own way Adam was as messed up when it came to love as Mike. The thought nagged that it was the reason Mike tried to keep his distance, that Mike was right not to trust him.

He pulled a face at his friend and changed the subject. While they were making their way to the stage Adam's eyes skipped over Stephen talking to a small dark-haired man in a corridor to his left. It took him a few seconds to recognize the young man, but when he did, he immediately wheeled around and paced towards the pair.

"Evan! I have to talk to you for a minute."

Evan turned around to face him and smirked sarcastically. "Hello Adam. Good to see you, too. Yeah, it's great to be back. And no, I'm not busy at all, so all my time is at your disposal."

Adam had forgotten Evan didn't really like him. He tried to ignore Stephen's chuckle behind his back. "Please?"

"I'll see you in ten minutes in the ring, okay Stephen?"

The Irishman nodded and left them alone. Adam raked a hand through his hair and decided to play nice. "Sorry about that. I'm glad to see you're up and running again."

Evan snickered. "Quit the small talk. I know that isn't your thing and I really don't have time for it. I haven't been in the ring in months and I need to practice for my match tonight."

Adam had forgotten he didn't like the high-flier either. Evan might seem like a nice enough guy, but if you got on his wrong side he could be a pain in the ass. And somehow, somewhere Adam had gotten on his wrong side. He started to think talking to Evan was a very, very bad idea. He would never be his ally when it came to Mike. "Err… I just wondered if you had talked to Mike yet."

"Not that again, right? Are you pretending to care about him again? If you really do, why don't you man up and be his friend?"

"I'm not PRETENDING to be his friend. He is, but that stubborn ass won't let me help him. He won't even let me talk to him. I hate asking you this, but I'm doing this for Mike. Do you even know what shit he's been through the past few months?" He glared at the smaller man, eyes burning in rage, in pain, in regret. Because he knew that Evan was talking about the days that Mike was thrown out of the locker room and Adam had done nothing about it. Instead he had watched from a distance, silently disgusted by what had happened, proud of the way Mike handled it, while Chris and Evan — who had only been a rookie back then — we're the only ones that stood by him. If he only had…

"Mike is stubborn, I give you that. But if he's avoiding you, he probably has a pretty good reason for it. But if you worry about him so much, why don't you grow up and confront him."

"Because I'm sick of comforting him! I want him to start trusting me…" Like he trusts you, like he trusts Chris. He didn't add that. He had no intention to let this little shit see what Mike was too blind to notice…

But it was too late, Evan cocked his head and stared at him intensely. "You really like him, right? Maybe you're even in love with him?" A low chuckle. "I can't help you with that, Copeland. I also can't make him trust you, or anyone else for that matter. But I can tell you this. If you really love him, you'd better not tell him. Nothing makes him run faster than that. If you really care, show him… and not by blurting his business to his friends. He's been through shit, and not just here. He doesn't trust, he doesn't allow himself to love and he'll never come out. So if you're dreaming of a happily ever after, you better give up those dreams. And that doesn't even have to do anything with your own reputation." After that last verbal kick in the nuts Evan walked away without even saying goodbye.

"Useless little shit…" Adam mumbled. He didn't need that kid's advise. He would figure it out on his own. It didn't stop Evan's words from echoing through his head.

* * *

><p>"Why didn't you tell me?" Evan sat cross-legged on Mike's bed, hazel eyes almost accusing when he stared at Mike.<p>

Mike shifted nervously on his chair. "It was nothing, I'm fine now, I just wanted to figure things out…"

"… on your own." Evan finished his sentence for him. "How many times do I have to tell you that handling things yourself doesn't mean you have to do it alone. And quit lying. You're not fine. And if I'm informed correctly, you haven't been for months."

"Who told you?"

"Adam… What the hell is up with that anyway? He's a selfish bastard."

"What did he tell you?"

"Only the usual shit. That he cares about you, but that he couldn't talk to you himself, so if I could do it for him, thank you very much."

"Why do you hate him so much, Ev?"

"Because he's full of shit and I don't trust him."

"I like him." Mike said softly. "He's not as bad as you think. He's the only thing that kept me standing…" He stared at his hands, breaking their eye contact. "You weren't here, Ev. Chris left and I had no-one."

"Chris?" Mike looked up into puzzled eyes that quickly darkened in concern as the realization sunk in. "Chris left… _you_?" Mike loved Evan for the complete and utter bewilderment in his voice. He hadn't told Evan much about him and Chris. Evan didn't quite agree with the 'sleeping with a married man'-part of their affair, but he had told Mike multiple times that he thought Chris was good for him. He had also seen — way before Mike had seen it himself — that there was something real between them and that Chris made Mike happier than anyone, man or woman, had done before.

Mike nodded, "Yeah… he left, didn't tell me either, just went on his break, without saying goodbye… I think he wanted me to start hating him… he wanted me to forget about him and move on…" His desperate attempt to hide the sob failed horrible. Someday he would stop feeling like this; he had to, he just had to….

"But it didn't work out that way?" Evan grimaced, the pain in his voice having the same effect as the hug he knew Mike would never accept.

"Not really… I've seen him two times since then and…" Mike sighed, wiping the tears from his eyes. "When will it stop hurting Ev? When will I stop being this stupid and weak?" He held up his hand when Evan wanted to protest." And don't tell me I'm not stupid, OR weak. I slept with him last week. The first time I see him alone, I get drunk, crawl into his bed and let him fuck me."

"And?"

"And what?" Mike snapped.

"Well, something else happened besides sex. I know you, Michael. Having sex with someone, no matter how stupid it is, never upsets you like this."

"I'm used to being stupid, you mean?"

"No Mike… you know I don't mean that. I mean that no matter how much you're still hurting over Chris, it isn't just sleeping with him that makes you this furious at yourself." Evan's patience whenever he wanted to throw a temper tantrum was just one of the many reasons this guy was his best friend.

Mike grunted. This wasn't something he wanted to say out loud. But as always around Evan his words simply flowed out. "I'm kinda involved with Adam…"

"And you hate cheating."

"And lying…"

"That explains Copeland's current nosiness… and the fact that you're avoiding him. But it doesn't explain why you're this miserable."

"And you call Adam nosy!" Mike threw his friend an exaggerated glare. If this was anyone else he would've ended the conversation now. Hell… this conversation would never have started in the first place. This was his best friend, however, his only real friend, in so many ways.

"You don't have to tell me… I'm sorry… I shouldn't push you like this." Another reason why Mike loved him like a brother. Evan respected his boundaries in a way that made it so easy to let him in.

"Chris told me that he loved me…" Mike swallowed. "I think he meant it." He was surprised to hear himself say that. He had told himself that Chris had been lying, that his words didn't mean shit. "It doesn't matter… he's not gonna leave his wife, he wants to protect his kids… not that I wanted him, too. I'm a freaking coward… 30 years old and I can't even tell my parents I'm bi."

"You can take the boy out of Ohio, but you can never take Ohio out of the boy." Evan mumbled.

"Are you calling me narrow-minded, Bourne?" Mike threw a pillow towards his friend who easily caught it and threw one back, right into his face.

"Nah… at least you're not denying it at all, unlike someone _we_ _can't see_." He snickered as he waved his hand in front of his face in an imitation of Cena. "I just wish you would stop caring about what your folks think about you. How are things on that front by the way?" Evan groaned. "Next time I get injured you gotta keep me informed instead of only emailing me stupid videos and calling me to tell me the latest gossip."

"You're not getting injured again… or get drafted… or get fired, or anything."

"There's not much you can do about any of that. Hell, there's not much I can do to avoid it. Anyway, you're avoiding the subject again… your parents?"

"Nothing's changed there. My mother has a new boyfriend and is bitching about getting me to meet him. I haven't heard from her for ages, but apparently now I'm champion I'm interesting again, and of course his daughter and her friends want to meet Orton."

"Sounds familiar."

"Yep… the only thing that changed is that's she's been whining about me settling down, in Cleveland of course, knock someone up and have loads of grandkids for her to brag about to her neighbors. Like I would let her near my kids, if I ever have any." Mike sighed. In a way Evan was right. He might be better off breaking with his parents.

"And your dad?" Evan asked. "No, let me guess… Why don't you have cool fireworks like Kane has, why can't you do a stupid spinning kick like Mor can, why don't you have a flashy finisher like Orton has, why haven't you written a bestseller like Chris did, why don't you ever win a match without cheating like Cena does, why aren't you straight-edge like Punk…"

"You only forgot 'why aren't you dating Layla like Cody is' and you got his usual whining. " Mike sighed and stood up, only to fall face first on his bed. "I'm so tired of this, Ev. Why can't he just be happy for me? Why is it never good enough? What have I done?"

"You have done nothing, buddy." A soft hand massaged the back of his neck. "They are the losers for not seeing how awesome you are, and they are the ones that fucked up."

'Fucked him up' was what Evan meant. It was weird how that thought still stung and how strong the instinctive reaction to defend his parents was. He swallowed his response down. It was one of the few things that really pissed Evan off. He was the only one who knew anything about his past and Evan couldn't speak even one positive word about his family. He stayed away whenever they were in the arena, fearing that he would blow up in their faces. Once Mike had thought it the naivety of a guy who had been born lucky, but the truth was that Evan was right.

Mike never blamed his mother for who she was or what she did. His mother was a weak, weak woman, who measured her own worth by the man on her arm and the money he possessed. It was like she expected to be treated like shit and more often than not she was. Mike was sure that she loved him, but most of the time she simply had other things on her mind; like cheating on one boyfriend with the next, or escaping yet another abusive relationship.

His father was the one he blamed, the one he worshipped, the one he hated, the only one he wanted approval from and at the same time never wanted to see again. His father had left him and his mother without much protest and that was a thing Mike understood. What he would never forget was that no matter how much the little boy begged him, his father wouldn't allow Mike to move in with him and his new family.

The worst thing was that no matter how bad his parents treated him, no matter how much they criticized him or ignored him — it was always one or the other — no matter how much he wanted not to care about what they thought about his life and the choices he made, in the end he always tried to please them, to make them proud, to finally be loved. So he would never do anything that would shame his parents, like completely breaking with them… or coming out and having a real relationship with someone he cared about, like Adam. But there was no point even thinking that. He was who he was and he already blew things with Adam anyway.

Mike groaned and rolled on his back, looking up at his friend. "Look, can we stop the third degree and watch a movie or something? I've been stuck with Zack for months and the shit he watches is even worse than the music he listens to."

* * *

><p>Adam hesitated outside the room. His hand was already raised but in the moment it took to knock his annoyance and anger made place for something else: fear. All day Evan's words had spooked through his head. <em>He doesn't trust, he doesn't allow himself to love and he'll never come out. <em>Though Adam wanted to think that it was nothing more than Evan trying to scare him off, the moment the words had sunk in a block of ice had settled in his stomach. It numbed him, distracted him, hurt with a rejection he hadn't even gotten… _yet. _

He realized he had — once again — fooled himself with an image of what could've been, should be: dreams of a happily ever after. He should know better by now: two failed marriages, dozens failed relationships, most of them he screwed up himself. Why he had thought it would be different with Mike he still didn't understand. There was something about him, something innocent in those big blue eyes, something pure behind that cocky exterior. Adam groaned and thumbed his fist against the door, he was acting as stupid as the teenage girl who thinks she can save the bad boy. He'd better cut his losses and get out now Mike gave him the easy way out.

Only when he heard uneven footsteps on the other side of the door, he realized what it was he was slamming his fist against. It was too late to get away, and it was certainly too late when the door opened and confused eyes stared up at him. He wasn't too blind to notice that Mike's first reaction was a smile, warmth flooding those amazing blue eyes. A second later that was all gone and only tension and nerves were left.

Adam couldn't care less that he had just made the decision to walk away, he wanted that warmth back in those eyes and he didn't give a damn what it would cost him. When Mike opened his mouth to say something, Adam raised his hand to stop him.

"I know there's something wrong. I don't know if it's something I did or if it's something you did and I don't care. I just want to be here for you."

"I'm not in the mood, Adam."

"I didn't come for sex."

"I also don't want to talk."

"I didn't come to pester you. I just want…" He sighed. What the fuck did he want? "I couldn't sleep… not when I didn't know if you were okay…"

"I'm fine…. Please Adam, not now… we can talk in the morning… I guess I owe you an explanation." Mike raked his hands through his hair, messing it up even more and making him look even younger.

"Let me stay? Please? Just to sleep?" Why was he begging? He didn't want to beg. He wanted to know what the hell was going on.

For a moment it looked like Mike was going to give in. He even took a step back, like he was inviting Adam back into his room. The shaking of his head next betrayed otherwise. "I don't get you, Copeland. I can understand you coming for a booty call, or to harass me until I tell you why I'm avoiding you, but do you really think I believe that you are here just to sleep?"

"Is it so weird I wanna be with you? Is it so weird that someone would want you just for who you are?"

"You don't know who I am…" Mike sighed and sat back onto his bed.

Adam took this as an invitation to come into the room and closed the door behind him. "I know enough, Mike."

"No, you don't…" Mike bit his lip, insecurity and fear pooling in his eyes. Adam thought that Mike would finally explain, finally let him in. "I don't understand what you think this is exactly, I don't understand what you want from me… but I know I can't do it."

"Can't or don't want to?"

"I don't want to want it, Adam!" Before he could protest, before he could find out what the hell Mike meant, Mike dealt the final blow. "I slept with Chris. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, but it happened and I couldn't say no."

Rage would have been a logical response. Jealousy, fury, it would have all made sense. What he hadn't expected was this feeling of utter defeat. "So he won," it echoed in his head, never realizing he said it out loud.

"No-one won anything," Mike replied just as softly. "No-one won, everyone lost. But it doesn't matter, it never changed the outcome of this. It would've had to end anyway."

There was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Mike how he felt, he wanted to question him until he finally understood what went on inside Mike's head. He wanted to shake him until he stopped talking nonsense, he wanted to kiss him until he gave in again, he wanted to beat the crap out of him for sleeping with Chris, for dumping him, for making him fall in love.

He did nothing of that. He simply walked away and that was that. He was left with a head full of unanswered questions and a nagging little voice in his head saying, _'I told you so'._

* * *

><p>A few weeks Mike stood between his peers applauding Adam as he came back through the curtain. His face was tight, his eyes harsh and nothing of the pain that should have crumbled him showed. There was nothing here but Miz. He could be nothing but Miz since he was scheduled to appear directly after Adam's goodbye speech. Still, he almost broke when Adam hugged him, luckily off camera. The disappointment in Adam's eyes showed that his shield was intact.<p>

The older man hesitated for a little while, opening his mouth to say something, but something made him change his mind. He just shrugged and went on to hug Randy. Mike felt the accusatory look from Jay, the curiosity from Alex and the concern from Evan, but he shook it off. He had to shake it off, because at that moment his music hit.

Later on he wouldn't remember anything what happened on the show. When he watched back the tapes he was surprised that he actually said something on commentary. Not only that, but he had been completely hyper, almost talking non-stop. He fooled almost everyone, everyone but his best friend. Evan was waiting for him when he came back through the curtain, took one look at his face and dragged him to his locker room.

It wasn't long after the door closed behind him that the numbness was replaced with red-hot fury. Illogical, he knew that. He had ended things with Adam weeks ago, he had ended it, not Adam. He had barely seen him since, only spoken to him about things that involved work. He had told himself that he was fine, that he had ended things before he started to care too much, but he had lied to himself — again.

He banged his fist on one of the steel lockers. The dull thud resonated through the room and the pain in his hand was a welcome distraction. So he did it again, and again, and again. A hand on his shoulder made him jump, fists raised to cool his anger on whoever dared to disturb him. Shock when he saw it was Evan, his presence forgotten. He barely recognized the snarl in his voice, "Leave me alone!"

Evan went without protest, but with the promise he would be on the other side of the door if he needed him. But he didn't need him. He needed no one, wanted to need no one. Everyone left anyway. So much pain, so much rage.

It wasn't just Adam leaving, it was also the shock of the seriousness of his condition; the same thought that was on everyone's mind: what if he had been in that ladder match in two weeks? In part it was fury over Chris, and the pain of being left by his father and every one of his mother's boyfriends, at least the ones that he had liked. There was so much pain, so much humiliation and everything boiled over now. He wanted to rip this room apart, he wanted to completely destroy everything around him. He kicked his bag through the room, but that did nothing. He kicked the locker again, this resolving in a satisfying dent in the locker. He kicked it again, so hard that it thumbed against the wall. Nothing of this did anything to lessen his rage. He swapped around to see what else he could destroy and looked right into Adam's face.

"I thought you didn't care…" The words were spoken so softly Mike could barely hear them.

"I try not to." He felt the tears burn behind his eyes, so he looked to the floor. He didn't want Adam to see his pain. He tensed for the onslaught of questions that would come, the hand that would force him to meet Adam's eyes. He was so sure that Adam would once again barge through every one of his boundaries. If he would, he would snap, he would explode, he would break into a million pieces. He had been through too much and he simply couldn't do it anymore.

The low chuckle made him jump, the sound of Adam's footsteps made him snap his head up. Adam sat down onto one of the benches and leant against the wall. He was still smiling like it was some sort of freaking joke. Maybe to him it was, maybe Mike had been stupid to think he cared, that he was different from all other men, that he was different like Chris had been different, like Evan was different.

"I give up, Mike. I give up trying to understand you. You are a weird, weird guy." He grinned even wider at the look of confusion Mike threw him, tears now making place for anger now Adam was mocking him. "For starters, ripping up a hotel room is a lot more fun than a locker room." He chuckled again. "Believe me, I tried both on several occasions."

Mike only grumbled, not so sure if he should be grateful because Adam was lightening the mood.

"Second, how could you think I was leaving you? I have to retire, I HAVE to retire, but that never meant I can't be with you, that I don't want to be with you."

Mike was shaking his head, emotions now tucked neatly away, laughter boiling up in him because of the naivety of that guy. "What do you propose? You want us to come out? To tell the world? Really?"

"Look Mike, I've screwed up a lot of things in my life, and most of that because I was too stupid or scared to follow my heart and now I've come to point that I'm sick of caring what others think of me, sick of doing what is expected of me. I have no idea what I want with my life now I can't wrestle anymore, but I know that whatever this is between us is something good and something real and I want to see where it could lead us. I'm done caring about what it would cost me, because I rather pay the price than see you slipping away without having even tried." He sighed deeply, raking his hands through his hair in that oh so familiar fashion, and looked up to Mike with grey eyes showing a thunderstorm of emotions.

Mike only shook his head and tried to figure out how to explain.

"I know you're not over Chris yet… I'll give you time…"

"This has nothing to do with Chris, Adam. You're right, there's something real between us. You were the one that kept me standing, but…," He swallowed. "… but unlike you I'm not prepared to pay the costs. I don't expect you to understand, there's so much about me that you don't know…. All I want is a family Adam… all I want is to be part of a normal family and no matter how good you can be for me, no matter how good we can be, you can't give me that."

"So you'll find a girl you don't love and knock her up and play the perfect husband, while you fuck guys on the side to get what you really want? Like Chris does?" Angry, Adam was getting angry now. Maybe that was the easiest way. It was certainly better than to deal with Adam when he showed how much he cared. He could meet Adam's eyes now and try to explain, at least a little.

"No, I'll find a woman to love and I'll stay away from men. I've had my fun, I can let that go. I have to let that go. I know you don't understand, but it's the only thing I ever wanted. To have a home, to belong, to be part of something normal and real. I don't want to be shunted again, Adam. Call me a coward, but I don't want to be shunted. I don't want TMZ to announce that I'm gay, I don't want the world to interfere in what is my private business. The risk is too high and it will cost me too much."

"If that's so, why were you killing that locker?" Through everything they said, Adam had stayed on his bench, calm, even though his emotions poured from his eyes. Now he jumped up, grabbed Mike by his collar and hoisted him up to eye level. "Why were you fucking killing that locker?"

At first Mike didn't answer, he was too busy trying to get out of Adam's grip to allow himself to think. When Adam didn't release him and forced the searing eye contact, Mike felt himself breaking. Again the tears burned behind his eyes, again his breathing labored in an attempt to keep the sobs inside. The pain seared through him, the pain, the guilt, the ice-cold fear that he might make the wrong decision, that he wasn't strong enough to make the one he knew was right. Adam slowly let him go, allowing him to turn around and break the searing eye-contact.

At first he struggled against the strong arms that wrapped around his waist. But when Adam didn't let go, only pulled him tighter, he slowly stopped fighting, stopped moving at all. The heat from Adam's body seeped through him, making him realize how cold he was. Adam's soft hair tickled his neck, his beard scratched against his cheek. The faint smell of his aftershave, mixed with the smell of sweat, baby oil and the far away smell of the sea, of tears, of sadness. Mike relaxed, sagging against the older man and his breathing evened. He even considered talking. If he only knew what to say.

"Tell me why Mike." The words were whispered in his ear. "Please?"

"Because it hurts to say goodbye…, even if I'm the one saying it." Tears started flowing over his cheeks, for once just letting them fall without a fight.

For minutes they just stood there, leaning against each other, finding some solace in having the other close for what they knew was probably the last time. It was Adam who broke the silence, Adam who _had _to break the silence, because Mike had nothing left to say. "I don't understand why you always choose to do the thing that is most difficult for you. Why do you always keep fighting?"

It wasn't the first time Adam had asked him something like this. Hell, Evan and Chris had repeatedly asked him a similar question. Never before, however, had he even considered to give an honest answer. "I have to keep fighting so the world doesn't see how weak I am. I have to keep fighting not to be me."

"Mike…"

Mike cringed at the pity in Adam's voice. It didn't take much to realize that his words had triggered an instinct to make things right. Only things were right. At least they were as right as they could ever be for someone like him. So wrong that it was right, that was what Evan would say. So crazy it was sane. He wormed away from Adam's tight grip and turned around. As he looked in Adam's eyes he stumbled. His eyes were glistening pools of hurt and now all _Mike_ wanted was make things okay for Adam. But he knew he couldn't. They both had to let go. He raised his hands and cupped Adam's face, thumbs trailing over the stubble of his beard, fingers raking though soft hair, lips kissing tears away. "Don't feel sorry for me… I don't."

"Maybe things would be different if you did. Maybe things would be different if you'd let me in, if you'd let me help you. You've turned me upside down, Mike. I think you could be the one that I've been looking for all my life: the first one that made me fight. And I could be the one that helped you stop fighting."

"Maybe I don't want to stop fighting. Maybe there would be nothing left of me if I do." He leant up and pressed his lips against Adam's, his touch so soft Adam was desperately leaning into it. They clung together, lips melting, their embrace so tight it was hard to breath. They clung together in this kiss that meant goodbye.

It was Mike who broke away, Mike that swept his hand over Adam's tear-streaked cheek in a final greeting and Mike who picked up his bag and walked out the door.

It was Adam who sat down on the floor and cried. He cried like Mike would never be able to cry. It was Adam who would heal, while Mike had added yet another box of pain, locked away deeply in a place he never dared to visit.

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><p><strong>For everyone who wanted to see a happy ending, I'm sorry. I can't write a happy-ending-against-all-odds. Please don't hate me :) <strong>

**REVIEW PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!**


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